The Art of The Chase

When it comes to the dating game, and yes it is a game, at some point we're either going to be the chaser or the chasee. However, it seems as though some people just don't really understand the basics of this game. One thing to understand is that EVERYONE loves the chase. Why? Because everyone loves and wants attention to some level. It's a basic human need. Women especially love the chase by the way. But things get complicated when people either don't know the kinds of games or how to go about playing them. So let's go over some basics...

Persistence vs Harassment: 

For the chasers, who typically are men, the problem usually is that they don't know the difference between persistence and just plain harassment. I think that some men have the idea that if they are to chase a woman, they are supposed to just keep at it until they "win her over". The problem with that way of thinking is that it does not account for the possibility of the woman just not being interested in them at all. So what ends up happening is the chase is pretty one sided, and only favored by one party. 

From the illustration, this is clearly an unwanted chase, that probably won't end favorably. The key to any successful chase is to first learn the rules of the game from the players involved. The trick is that the rules will change depending on the player. Since that isn't always the easiest thing to do, the best advice I could give would be to simply LISTEN. Some people play by various "rules" so always be observant and do not just assume or follow the "Le Pew Approach".

Example  of "Le Pew Approach" :

Pepe: Hey Kitty, would you like to go see that new movie coming out this Friday? 

Kitty: I'm sorry, but I've got plans. 

Pepe: Oh okay, well can I get your number? Are you on Facebook? Can we be friends? 

Kitty: Ummm...Maybe next time. I've got to go.

Regardless of whether Kitty genuinely had plans or not, Pepe should not just assume that Kitty is still interested. Often times people will let others down gently if they're not interested, so we have to take them for their word. Now if let's say Kitty was interested, and actually did have plans, then it's time to take a different approach. Play Tag! 

The Game of "Tag":

The dating game should be like a game of tag. All you have to do is show some interest in the person you want to "play with". ( insert snickering here)  When you give them the hint that you're interested, and they've returned it, you both have basically said "Tag you're it!". Just like in Tag, the other person is supposed to come after you and "tag you back" so to speak. Maybe their "tag" is continued conversation, some flirtation, a phone call, text, IM, or a follow up to your previous request to go out. (tags will vary) Now if they don't "tag" you back, then you should find another "playmate". 

Example:

Joe: Hey Nicole, would you like to go see that new movie coming out this Friday?  (The Tag)

Nicole: I'm sorry, but I've got plans. 

Joe: Okay, that's cool. Well enjoy your weekend.

*a couple days go by...*

Joe: Hey Nicole, how have you been doing?

Nicole: I've been alright. Sorry I missed the movie last week. Is it still playing this week? (The returned Tag)

Beating the game of "Hard to Get": 

This is probably one of the toughest games to play because it causes the most confusion with the mixed signals that are involved. However, there is a way to come out on top! The way to win out is simply...NOT to play at all. I say this only because it's better to assume they are NOT playing hard to get, because you could run the risk of really harassing someone if you assume they are playing Hard to Get. The benefit of NOT playing into the "Hard to Get" game is that you actually introduce the possibility of changing the rules according to your liking. You could even possibly force the other person's hand by making them chase you. That is, if they are interested in you of course.

All games have rules, and the dating game is no exception. Some games are better not to be played at all compared to others. Either way, the basic thing to remember is to be observant of the other "player" involved and what game or rules they're playing. Make sure their game gels with your own. If it doesn't, then move on. At the end of the day, it's not about winning...it's all about having fun....right??? 

Do Men Really Create the Expectations on How Women Should Look?

Do men really put the pressure on women to get bigger breast, butts, longer hair, wear more makeup and be a size O? It's time to set the record straight for some ladies out there. I'm always hearing something about how men expect women to be bigger here, or smaller there. Women think that men have these high expectations for all women, but I'm here to tell you that you're sadly mistaken. Some women will drive themselves crazy about what they think and not what they know. Most men do not expect for all women to be like what the media portrays. We don't expect for all women to have breast implants, be a size 0, or have a body like Jessica Rabbit. Rather, it's women who create these expectations, place them on men, then embody these expectations, and get upset at men for having the expectations that they assumed in the first place. Catch all that?

Before you say I'm full of cow manure, yes, we would LIKE those things, but they are not a requirement. You've heard me say it before, and I'll say it again. Men are visual creatures. We like to look at things that grab our attention. But just because it grabs our attention does not make it a requirement. Don't believe me? Well just take a look around you.

How many times have you been approached by a man when you're leaving the house wearing some sweats? How many men do you know that are in a committed relationship with a woman who looks like a model? How many men do you see with a woman who made you think "Ewww, HE's with HER?!". If the thought was true that men really wanted women with bigger this or longer that, wouldn't you see more men settling down with those types of women? Men like to visualize and just fantasize about those things, but deep down we don't NEED them. They are just fantasies.

Most women assume that we want all women to look like those women in the media, but truth is, we just want women. Besides that, we want sex. Sex is not the only goal, but I won't lie and act like it's not a primary one. Our goal is to be with a woman, not to mold you into some exotic looking Barbie doll. Now of course if we are able to get that Barbie doll, we'll gladly accept, the same way women would gladly accept a man who's got those rippling muscles.

I find it troubling when I see some women look at these unrealistic standards of other women, see men admiring them, then automatically assume that we want our women to be the exact same. That way of thinking will lead to self-destructive behavior. I've seen some women starve themselves and workout till they collapse. Some women will even go out their way to spend money on unnecessary clothes, make up, and psychical enhancements. The biggest reason that comes to mind is insecurity. Maybe those women weren't told enough that they were beautiful when they were younger. Maybe they are not told they are beautiful enough by the person they are with now. Hard to say. But what I can say is that if you want our attention beyond just the physical:

-Be yourself.

-Respect yourself.

-Love yourself.

-Have your own style when it comes to hair and clothes.

-Be comfortable and confident in your own skin.

These simple things will make a man think "Holy Moley! There's just something about her. I really dig her style".

My overall point is that the women who hold this way of thinking have to stop pointing the finger at men and just learn to appreciate what they already have. One fact you can always bank on is that men do not value your hair, make up, and clothes the same way that you or other women do. Besides, if you ever come across a guy who's demands that you get your hair done, nails done, and look a certain way then A.) He better be paying for it... or B.) Ask yourself is that the type of superficial person you want to be with in the first place? Any man who puts that much emphasis and pressure on a woman clearly has his priorities screwed up. So men, please compliment your women to diffuse and prevent any of her insecurities. Ladies, do NOT allow someone else's perception of beauty to become your own reality. If for whatever reason this still does not make sense to you, remember this...If you focus all your time and energy into becoming our fantasy, you'll never become our reality.

The Importance of Respecting Women for Men

I had to write this to the men because I only wanted to be fair since I addressed the women about this issue about respect in "Men's Formula for Respecting Women". I'm not going to waste my time and say the cliche things like "respect a woman because that's someone's sister or mother". I think that's a given. I'm going to talk about the women that you don't know, or that you may want to get to know. I used to think that it wasn't fair for a woman to ignore my compliments or greetings especially if I approached them with sincere respect and courtesy. There'd be times when a simple greeting or compliment would be met with a side eye, a cold shoulder, or worse. How often have you heard of this scenario?

He says: "Hello, how are you doing today? That's a really nice outfit."

She says: (Nothing and ignores him)

He says: "Well forget you then!"

Of course there are many variations to that scenario, maybe even with a few "french words", but you get the picture. So what's the problem? As males, we look at a compliment or greeting as an invitation to simply get a bit more attention from an attractive female. What we forget is what our approaches mean to the women. A woman gets complimented or approached by a man on numerous occasions. What's the harm in a simple compliment? Nothing, on the surface, because for men it's usually an open invitation to get more attention. But for women it goes a bit deeper.

Think of men as fishermen, and women as the fish. Our bait is our polite greeting or a compliment. Now if a woman responds back, or "bites the hook", now we try to reel her in. However, what happens when a fish (a woman) doesn't want to bite or be reeled in? Usually a struggle occurs. If a woman is going to be caught, they don't want to be caught by just any fisherman who's just going to chop them up, fry them, eat them, and toss the bones. They want a fisherman who will be gentle with them, take a picture with them, and place them on a mantle that everyone can see. The choice is your ladies. (And yes, those are your only two options.)

Make your choice ladies :-)

For a woman, it's not that they don't appreciate the compliment, or the politeness. Trust me, they LOVE the attention. (Who doesn't?) But, they have the other obligation to protect themselves from the crazy, ignorant males that are out there. Ignorant men use polite compliments and greetings too, so in a sense they mess it up for all men. Women will naturally clump most of us all together, not to be prejudice, but to be safe. Honestly, I don't think we can blame them for that.

Whatever you do, don't be THAT guy. 

So, remember that women have to protect themselves because some men do pose a genuine threat. Don't get upset, or act ignorant if they reject your advances or approach. Despite the fact that it's not right for them to act ignorant in any situation, it is understandable. A woman's safety trumps her obligation to always match your polite advances.  The best thing we males can do is not to feed into that ignorance, or the negative stereotype that ignorant men create for all of us. Just remember one thing. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Men's Formula of Respect for Women

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. I think that most women don't understand how men go about constructing the idea of respect towards women upon the first impression. Men are visual creatures, first and foremost. Often times what we see, or what is presented to us visually, will affect our judgment. (Yes, we judge, just like everyone else. Get over it.) Our judgment will in turn affect our perception of you. As a result, we tend to formulate our respect for women based on that perception. Let's try and think of it as a point system. Some reasons that may impact your "respect points" are:

Your Attire & Appearance

One is a "Working Girl" and one is a girl at a club.
Can you tell?... No? Join the club.

If a woman dresses like a "Lady of the night", she might be mistaken as one. Women have GREAT insight. They can spot another "loose woman" from mile away. So why act surprised when you dress just like them, and men view you similarly? As a man, if I don't want to be mistaken as a thug, I'm not going to wear baggy clothes and sag my pants. So if all the "fast" women in the world started wearing polka dots, and you start wearing polka dots, you don't think that you'll be viewed  similarly? That being said, the problem doesn't really lie in the clothes you wear. The problem lies with the small amount of harlots out there that wear those clothes and mess it up for the majority. Of course it's not right to be clumped together with those types of women, but it sure does make things confusing for men. If you still don't get it, refer to a wiser man than myself:

Your Actions & Behavior

Ever wonder why "actions speak louder than words"? It's because actions can been seen, even figuratively. If we simply say "Hello" and you automatically respond with a stink face (we think snobby), middle finger (we think bitchy), or rolling your eyes (we think conceited), you will lose respect points. Also, if you're the touchy-feely type...STOP IT! You're sending mixed signals if you're not interested in us romantically but yet you keep touching us. We take that as an open invitation even if you didn't intend it to be.

What can you do then if you're not interested if a guy approaches you?
-Keep your responses very short
-Say thank you
-Give LIMITED, to no eye contact
-Start to talk on your phone

If you ever feel as if you're not in safe situation, ignore him and walk away. Many men can be overly aggressive and ignorant with their approaches to women, but there is absolutely no reason as to why you should feed into it with even more ignorance. You may feel as though flipping him the bird, or throwing out some choice french words are appropriate, but that may only make your situation worse.

I think that everyone is entitled to basic respect, especially women (ie: You don't lay hands on them, you don't call them outside of their name, you don't speak down to them, etc) But, some women feel as if they are entitled to get respect just because they are a woman. Whether you are a man or woman, initial respect is something earned, not entitled. I think that people should respect individuals based on that individual's character and actions. As for a man's formula for respect: Your Visuals+ Your Actions + Your Behavior + Our Judgment + Perception = How much we respect you.

Check out the follow up blog where I talk to the men called "The Importance of Respecting Women for Men".

How to Escape the Friend Zone

Okay, so you're locked in the Friend Zone. Unfortunately you weren't lucky enough to avoid it. You really want to get out and let her know that you can be and want to be more than just friends. Well two things will have to factor in...your words and your actions.

Now when some men take the "Limited Availability" approach, it  may backfire because they fail to realize the key component. The keys to making this successful are timing and moderation. You don't want to be too unavailable because, trust me, she will make you an afterthought. If you're already in the Friend Zone, then you probably made yourself too available from the beginning. Also, you do not want to, all of a sudden, become unavailable. Remember that most women are detailed oriented. They tend to pick up on trends and focus on things deeper than most men would. So if you become unavailable too soon and/or too often, then they'll start to think "what's his problem?". 

Mr. Nice Guy                            Mr. Douche-Bag 

Some blogs recommend that you change up your demeanor. Other blogs would advise that if you were the "Mr. Nice Guy" you should turn into the "I don't care" or "Mr. Douche-Bag" kind of guy. I don't believe in these, "Light Switch" approaches. The Light Switch approach basically consists of you doing things one way or  the complete polar opposite. Rather, I would say take the "Dimmer Switch" approach.You want to make this all a gradual transition.  If you drastically go from the Nice Friend, to the Unavailable Single Guy, she may be quick to classify you as being "fake". (Which it would be, by the way.) And honestly at the end of the day, if you aren't that type of person in the first place, you really shouldn't have to compromise who you are just for the sake of another person. You should respect yourself enough where that isn't necessary. 

The last thing to help avoid and actually escape the Friend Zone is to actually open your mouth and communicate with her. Go ahead and tell her your feelings for her. Let her know that you love the friendship you have, but you would want more. I know the fear for most guys in these Zones is being rejected. You cannot continue living in this fear. Besides, if she rejects you then you can finally put an end to the living torture you're already going through. Not only that, but you can stop wasting your valuable time, and begin to focus your efforts on other women who would actually want to be with you. 

Now you may be asking, "What if I'm in the Brother Zone? How do I get out of that?". Well that's probably the easiest thing to answer: you can't..you're stuck...you're done...give it up...the dream is over! It's never gonna happen.

How to Avoid the Friend Zone

Alright fellas, this isn't something new. We've all heard about the Friend Zone and probably even the stupid Brother Zone. Despite popular belief there are ways for us to counter the tactics women use to place us in these dreaded zones of no return. So let's cover the basics on the strategies you should have in your play-book.

The very first thing to do, and the best approach, is to avoid the Friend Zone completely. When you meet that young lady, or even if you've already known her, do NOT fall into the line of thinking that if you are her friend then she will look at you as boyfriend material. Listening to her problems, is NOT a sure fire way of getting on her good side. Let her know that you're interested in her romantically. Drop some compliments on her personality and her appearance. Dress nicely and smell good around her. Remember that women want to have a clear distinction between their friends and their [potential] boyfriend. In a perfect world, women should want their best male friend to be their boyfriend. If they did, I believe that the amount of issues in relationships would decrease, but that's another discussion for another day. Like many other articles and blogs suggest, do not be her "shoulder to cry on" or her life sized diary.

Now you have to be careful about this approach because you do not want to give off the impression that you're just a heartless jerk only after one thing. But, if she insists on sharing or talking about her issues, simply address it briefly, and/or change the subject shortly afterwards.

Example:

She says: "I cannot believe Michael hasn't called me"
He says: "Hmmmmm...So how was your day today?"
She says: "It was cool, until Michael didn't call me."
He says: "Sorry to hear that. Well I was just calling to check up on you. I'm on my way to the gym, so I'll hit you up later."

See the key thing to understand is that even though you may be a nice guy, you do not want to be a push over. As you can you see in the example, I also pointed out another key point. Limited availability. You know the saying, "People always want what they can't have?" Well this rings very true for women in particular. A woman's interest may spike when she knows that you're always doing something. But be careful not to over do this either. And also be sure that the things that are making you unavailable are things that are valued by most women.

Valuable things may  include:
Studying for class (shows your intellect and responsibility)
Workout at the gym (shows you care about appearance)
Go out with friends (shows you're sociable)
Read books (shows intellect)
Hang out with another female. (shows your value to other women)


Now I may get flack for this, but who cares. Women want what other women have. Yup I said it. Okay let's be more specific. Women are attracted to what other women may have. Interest builds when a woman finds out that another woman finds you attractive or interesting. She begins to wonder, "Wait, did I miss something? Maybe I should re-evaluate him again".  Now if you mention the fact that you're hanging out with another female, be cool about it. Slide it into the conversation one day. Something to the effect of, "Hey I'll call you back later on, I'm about to go hang out with my friend, and she just pulled up." She'll pick up on that "she" part and it will definitely keep her wondering about who "she" is in the back of her mind. If she asks you who "she" is, just say "she's just a friend", and let her mind do all the work. Planting the seed ;-)

Okay so let's say that you're not in the lucky position of being able to avoid the Friend Zone completely. Let's just say you're already in it. Well check out How to Escape the Friend Zone. 

The Dreaded Zone: The Brother Zone

So let's say, for whatever reason, he STILL doesn't get it. Now it's time to play your trump card. Put that fella in the BROTHER ZONE!!! This is the worst possible zone any man could be in. It's far worse than the Friend Zone because at least in the friend zone there's a possibility of getting out of it. (We'll touch on that later)


WARNING: Ladies, please be advised that you should only use these guidelines and tactics only IF you do not EVER want to be with this male friend in a romantic way. Results may be long lasting and irreversible. Please proceed with caution. 

The key factor here is your conversations with him. You basically need to talk to him like he's one of your closest female friends. So you will have to talk to him about stuff you would only talk to another female about.

Example:

She Says: "Hey did you see that? He's got a great ass don't you think?"
He Says: "Huh???"
He Thinks: "Huhhh???"

Yes, that's right. Talk to him about other guys' appearance just like he was one of the girls. This may not be the most effective method, but what's important is the fact that through your comment, you're telling him that "I see you as someone I'm not romantically interested in, but yet I'm so comfortable with you that I can talk to you about anything." That will counter any other potential thoughts he may have tried to think of to justify that you may like him in the way he wants you to like him.

Remember in the Friend Zone Blog, I mentioned talking about telling him the good things that are going on in your relationship. Well, now we have to take a step further in the Brother Zone:

Example:
She Says: "Omg, DANNY, I am so sore from last night. Michael was an animal! Whew!"
He Says: "........."
He Thinks: "Ohh COME ON!!"

Most men do not want to ever hear about another man potentially being sexually superior. Hurts the ego. Men put a lot of stock into their sexual prowess when it comes to pursuing females...and when that gets threatened by another male, that can really make us think twice. Now, I do not advocate crushing another man's ego in this manner, unless absolutely necessary. So please use this with extreme caution.

Lastly, one of the most effective things to say and do to solidify this guy in the Brother Zone, is to just tell him honestly and directly.

Example:
She Says: Hey, Danny, I honestly love our friendship and I do not want to change that. So much so, that you're just like a brother to me. I really can't wait until you find another woman who will really make you happy. Hey, actually I think that I have the perfect girl for you too!

Notice the misdirection tactic involved in what was said. You want to deflect his romantic views of you and point them into the direction of other women. That way, again, he will get the message that your mind is not even remotely thinking about him in a romantic way.  At the same time, you also show him that you genuinely care for him by talking to him about other girls that may be better suited for him. This way he won't think that you're just a "big fat stinky head", (Danny's really immature) and instead you're really trying to be a real true friend.

So Ladies, I hope this helps in some way. If you still have a guy who doesn't understand any of the past tips I mentioned, then you probably want to just cut off all communication with him, and distance yourself from him. There's a very good chance that you have a stalker on your hands. Remember, restraining orders are your friend ;-)

And for those who were wondering, I do have a follow up blog to this for the fellas..."How to Avoid the Friend Zone"

Peace, Love, and God Bless.